Is Self Care Selfish? The Holy Work of Knowing What’s Fair.

How do you navigate taking care of yourself in a world that demands everything you are — endlessly — and then has the audacity to call you selfish the moment you ask for something back? Even your time. Especially your time. The time you need to tune the machine that works so tirelessly for everyone else.
The world will take and take and take. And when you finally turn inward — when you finally say I need this — it hands you guilt like a receipt.
This is the question nobody in the wellness space wants to answer honestly. Because the honest answer is uncomfortable.
The answer is honesty. Self reflection. Courage and self love.
I know I can’t ask for something in good conscience if I feel I haven’t done my part. But when you really look at what you actually do for others — and then look at what you’re asking for in return — the modesty of it becomes almost absurd. Time for the gym. A skincare routine. It seems ridiculous that one cannot simply take that.
As a stay at home wife I live off the good will and generosity of those I give endlessly to. When they have nothing more to give, I don’t ask. For the most part this works. Until it doesn’t.
Because people get used to invisible work. It’s easy to take for granted. And then entitlement slips in.
And gaslighting.
Always the gaslighting.
So you must have clarity. Not to play tit for tat — that just starts wars. But clarity about your contribution. Clarity about the give and take. Because that’s how you avoid the confusion and guilt that manipulators use as currency.

I once attended a Hare Krishna wedding where the Guru who married the couple said something that would shape my understanding of love forever.
He turned to the bride. Give to your husband freely and endlessly. Think only of his happiness and what you can do for him.
Then he turned to the groom. Give to your wife freely and endlessly. Think only of her happiness and what you can do for her.
If both of you take care of the other’s needs at every chance, neither of you will ever want for anything.
This is what I believe true love looks like. Two people so in tune with each other, so generous and giving, that goodness in each other’s lives seems almost like magic. All needs tended to. Loving reciprocity overflowing.
But that requires self awareness. Reflection. And most people were never taught either.
So we adapt.
Another piece of wisdom from the Hare Krishnas: work with detachment from the fruits of your labor. Do things for goodness sake — not for tit for tat, not to hold things over people’s heads.
My answer is this: keep giving for goodness sake. But if people consistently fail to match your effort, redirect that energy. Not out of bitterness — out of wisdom. You can only pour from a full pitcher.
And knowing what’s fair — knowing when you’re giving and receiving in true balance — this is holy work. Practical spirituality. Something modern souls are rarely taught, deeply crave, and genuinely suffer without.

This is where journaling comes in. Not endless emotional outpouring — but structured self reflection. Questions that make you think deeply about your situation and reveal solutions in the process.

Before tackling something as transformative as a new gym routine or any meaningful life change, it’s worth taking time to examine your motivations honestly. What has historically stopped you? What are the emotional hurdles? What would actually have to shift for this to work?
You cannot pour from an empty cup. The first act of self-care is finding out what fills you.
That’s not selfish. That’s the whole game.